SEARCH RESULTS

By Katrina Daroff   I am going to put a disclaimer on this right now that I do not have the answer to this question and this title might actually be a little misleading (let's see what I end up writing). I really don't know what God has to say about my responsibility to animals as a part of God's creation, endangered or otherwise. I do have a pretty firm belief that in Genesis 1:28. when God said to "rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground," that He did not just intend for us to have power over them but was giving us a responsibility to them. That is a thought process that I cannot fully back with scripture except that I have found in 36 years of study that whenever God has given someone power and authority over someone, he has also given them responsibility to them. I will probably have to explore that more at some point. First, I have a point to make and a story to tell.   When I was growing up in the 1990s, girls could be pretty easily divided into a couple of subsets of interests. Fashion Girls. Sports Girls. Art Girls. Smart Girls. Don’t believe me? Watch any episode of the Babysitters Club or any other television show about a group of girls who were friends but each had to have their own distinct personality. Amongst those archetypes were the animal girls. There was also a subset of animal girls that were specifically horse girls and there were lines in the sand between the different animal girls but we really don’t have time to get that deep into the lore right now.   I was an animal girl.   I mean… in reality, I was every type of girl, as we all are, because we are not archetypes bound to one singular interest, but for the intent of this particular question and story, we will say I was an animal girl.   In fact, I was enough of an animal girl that in late elementary school… or maybe early middle school, when I announced that I wanted to be a missionary doctor when I grew up my mom gently suggested that maybe I would prefer to be a missionary veterinarian because I really cared about animals. Thank God I did not actually pursue either option because people would have died… in either scenario.   The thing is though, at that time there was not really a place in the church for a girl to say, “I love animals and I want to pursue a career in animal conservation as a part of God’s calling in my life.” This was due to a lot of factors. Partly because animal conservation was taught with a heavy emphasis on evolution and the fact that humanity was to blame for everything. In modern vernacular a lot of people in the church would have called would have called animal conservation too woke  to be God’s calling on your life. Please remember, it was the 90s, at that same time people were literally freaking out that computers were going to stop working and society would come crashing to a halt because the date was going to change from 1999 to 2000. Anyway, caring for animals could not be your calling from God, unless you were going to be a vet and help people in third world countries care for their livestock and that was just the way it was. That is probably why I don’t know how to incorporate so many of the loves and cares that God has given me into serving Him. And why that is a question that has haunted me particularly over the last few weeks.   You see, a few weeks ago I woke up, opened up Instagram and had to see with my own two eyes a video of two whales in a tank in an abandoned marine park that appeared to be dead and then, in a heart wrenching twist of narrative, started performing for the drone that was filming them. The 90s animal girl within me awoke like Lazarus being called out of the grave by Christ himself. I took that so personally that I have read every article and Reddit post on the internet about it trying to figure out what to do and half of my conversations have started the phrase, “you know about the whales in France, right?” Or “I think I know what to do about the whales in France.” (I actually don’t know what to do about the whales in France. My last idea involved making a National Geographic documentary.) I’ll be honest, I am not concerned with every whale in the world but those two whales hit my heart so hard it was as if I was Frodo Baggins and Galadriel was standing before me saying “this task was appointed to you. If you do not find a way, no one will.”   I am not really here to talk about the whales in France. Or about endangered animals. Or growing up an animal girl in the 90s. Those are just puzzle pieces of who I am and my experience of God’s calling in my life. This is not the first time that something has landed on my heart so hard that it has become my personal responsibility in my mind. That I have looked at it and said, “the shire is burning, so I will go to Mordor.” Because of that, I know it is something that God is asking me to care about, even if it is not something that makes sense to anyone else or something I know I will probably fail at and won’t understand why I was asked to do it when it was a doomed to failure from the start.   I’m reminded of the story of Mary of Bethany when she anointed Jesus with perfume that cost a year’s wages. A task that did not make sense, probably even to her, and that was considered unacceptable by even Jesus’ disciples because it did not fit within their view of what serving God looked like, but it still weighed so heavily on Mary’s heart that she did it. It mattered whether or not she or anyone else knew why. I have personally struggled with calling from God lately and questioning if I got it wrong because the task I was asked to do failed. I failed. Now I look at another impossible task that I feel God placing on my heart; a task that I have no resources or idea of how to accomplish it and I question why God would ask this of me, if God is even asking it of me, when I can only see it ending in another failure. But God does not ask for us to understand and does not ask that we do things that others understand. God asks us to trust and follow him. And I think that sometimes God asks us to do one thing because it puts us in a place to do something else that we don’t even realize was the whole point.   In answer to the misleading question in my title, I don’t know what we as Christians are supposed to do about endangered animals. What I do know it that when God puts something on our heart or calls us to do something, even something that makes no sense or we don’t know how to do or that others say we should not be worried about that we should still do it. Just like Peter put his fishing net over the other side of the boat when Jesus asked him to even though he knew it would do no good. Just like Mary anointed Jesus even when Jesus’ own disciples questioned what she was doing. So don’t ignore the things that weigh heavy on your heart.

By Katrina Daroff On the second day of 2019 I got up at 3:00 AM and, shivering with cold, boarded a van to take me the three hours out of Cusco to Rainbow Mountain. I do not normally get up at 3:00 AM but I am not interested in cheating myself out of experiences and I knew that was probably the only opportunity I would have in my life to see Rainbow Mountain, Vinicunca or de Montana de Siete Colores. My companions and I arrived at the trailhead around 7:00 AM and were given hiking poles, a team name, and a stern lecture on what not to do on our hike up including sitting down to rest. We were already at 4000 meters and would ascend to 5200 meters over the next 2.5 miles (by the way, that is starting at 13,123 feet and ending at 17,060 feet). “I come to Rainbow Mountain every day,” the guide told us, “I am used to it, but you are not from here and are not used to it. You must follow my instructions.” He then guided our group over to a corral of horses and explained that we could ride a horse up the mountain if we wanted. I crossed my arms and immediately said no. I did not need a horse to take me up the mountain. I could do it on my own. I could. For a little bit of context here, over the course of 2018 I was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition and went to the doctor a total of 11 times before scheduling pelvic surgery, in the hopes that it would help, for the end of October knowing full well that I would be taking a physically difficult trip at the end of December. The day I stood at the trailhead of Rainbow Mountain I was barely two months out of surgery and still, occasionally, feeling the tenderness that comes from your muscles knitting back together, I had already had altitude sickness, and I had spent every day of the six days I had been in Peru in extreme pain, but I was stubborn and used to hiking at altitude and if I was going to see Rainbow Mountain then I was going to get there myself. Like I said, I am not interested in cheating myself out of experiences, so if I am going to be in pain every day for the rest of my life then I am going to get used to doing what I want to do while in pain. I started up the hill. As the other members of my group passed me and became tiny figures in the distance, I reminded myself that two months earlier I had surgery and couldn’t even stand up and now I was hiking. It was okay to go slow. It was okay to get there at my own pace. I reached the top of the mountain to some of my faster companions just leaving the summit, each smiling and offering encouragement. “You’re almost there.” “You made it.” “Just a little farther.” “17,000 feet!” And I got to the top and felt myself start to cry. Not because it was stunning, which it was, I don’t know what Rainbow Mountain looks like every other day of the year but the day I went it was absolutely everything that Instagram and Pinterest promised, but because I made it. Every difficult step of a very difficult hike had been worth it, I had made it to where I wanted to be and it was beautiful and oh god, everything hurt! Being at the top of Rainbow Mountain, for me, was the definition of a mountain top experience. This elated moment that you cannot put into words or be marred by the difficulties before and after it. I stood at the top of the mountain, posing for a few photos, and taking in this incredible sight and the fact that I had made it… and then the guide came hurrying up to the top. “You must go down now. No more than twenty minutes at the top.” I picked up my hiking stick and stowed my camera, realizing my fingers were turning purple, not one of my favorite colors. I started down the hill. In the church, Christians talk a lot about “mountain top experiences.” Those same elated moments when we really feel our faith and the reason we muddle through church every week even though we would much rather just sleep in. We always lament that we cannot feel that way all of the time. Why can’t we stay on the mountain? A little more than an hour later my group crowded back into the van, all chattering about how beautiful the mountain was and how much our heads hurt. Our guide climbed into the van with us. He stood at the door and thanked us for coming to Rainbow Mountain, telling us that five years ago no one really knew about this place but someone like us had hiked it and taken pictures, just like we had, and shared them on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest, and now, because of that, his family owned this business and everyone in his family had a job. He told us that because people came to the mountain every day his village, one we had driven through less than an hour earlier, had anew life that it had not had five years earlier. He thanked us for the fact that we were going to go home and share our pictures on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest, and some other social medias that I'm not cool enough to know about, because our friends and family would see it and maybe some day they would come here too. Then he climbed into the front seat and I laid down at the very back of the van and went to sleep. Why can’t we stay on the mountain? I hiked up to 17,000 feet. That is 600 feet below base camp at Mount Everest. I will probably never reach that elevation again. Most people never stand at that elevation in their lives. While I was up there my body started to die; I took deep, gasping breaths, just to fill my lungs with air, my hands turned purple, my heart hammered at my chest. Our guide had told us not to sit at the top of the mountain but to keep walking around and not rest until we were back at the van. We weren’t even supposed to drink water while we were up there because it would make us sick. Death, is a very good reason not to stay on the mountain top, not to live up there, immersed in the beauty and awe of what you have accomplished and what God has created. More important, we cannot share that experience and bring others to the mountain from the top of the mountain. I think a lot about my guide thanking us for the fact that we would share our pictures of Rainbow Mountain with all of our friends because it meant others would come to the mountain. Even for him, he did not stay on top of the mountain, he had to go three hours out to Cusco to get us so he could share that beautiful place with us. We cannot share our experience from the top of the mountain except with those who are there with us. Isn’t it the same with our faith experiences? Yes, I want to stay there, where I know God is and I understand the reason but there is nothing I can do from there.

By Katrina Daroff "Looking for my Proverbs 31 woman," was the first line on the first profile I opened up upon setting up a profile of my own. After a moment of thought, I swiped the profile away, banishing it and what I considered an impossible expectation back to the ether. A few minutes later I banished the dating app to the ether as well, but that is a different story for a different time. I called Proverbs 31 an impossible expectation, even though it is not impossible to be, but let me explain why I saw that on a dating profile and decided that was an expectation I did not want to deal with. See, I don't really have a problem with the idea of being the kind of woman represented in Proverbs 31. In a lot of ways, she is the exact kind of woman I to be. The problem I have found is that when people talk about the Proverbs 31 woman they have an image in their mind of a perfect, soft, modest, Christian girl. It's an expectation that is not only impossible to meet but also biblically inaccurate. When I read through Proverbs 31 I see a woman who is strong and formidable and not what most people expect of her. Here is what a Proverbs 31 woman truly is and how you can throw off those expectations and become one. A Proverbs 31 Woman is... 1) Valued and Trusted. "A wife of noble character, who can find? She is far more precious than rubies. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he lacks nothing of value. " I want to be really clear about something here; this woman is valuable because she is valued and trusted. Her value is established before anything else listed in the chapter. She is able to do the things she does because she knows her value and the people around her know her value. Our value is not determined by what we do but by who were are. The first step to becoming a Proverbs 31 woman is recognizing that we have value because God gives us value and surround ourselves with others who see that and trust us. 2) Reliable "She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.." The Proverbs 31 woman chooses her tasks ang how to do them. More importantly, she does them with consistency and reliability. That is why she is described as being like the merchant ships. Merchant ships, even in biblical times, ran on a schedule. They were consistent and reliable. The Proverbs 31 woman is also consistent and reliable in her work. No matter what that work is. She selects the tools she needs for it and makes it happen. That consistency is what allows her to be the next thing on the list... 3) Generous and Caring " she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants." "She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy." She does not only work hard for herself but so she can provide for the people around her. She takes care of her family first and then the people who work for her. Working for only ourselves and what we want is fine but the people who work hard to take care of others are the ones we most often admire. 4) Thoughtful and a risk taker " She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard." Those things may not feel like they go together but they do. The woman represented in these verses does take risks. She just takes them after she has considered the consequences and out of what she has after she has taken care of others. 5) Not worried about tomorrow " She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Here's the thing, the elements of the Proverbs 31 woman go in order and repeat over and over throughout the rest of the chapter, but they go in order. She is not stressed because she has been reliable, generous, and considerate, and she was able to be those things because she first knew her value. And her value is far greater than rubies. If you ask me, that is not a woman who is meek or soft and everything people expect me to be when they talk about the Proverbs 31 woman. That is a powerful woman who should be feared and one I would very much like to be more like.

By Katrina Daroff Waiting. Photo by Katrina Daroff             When you are in a season of waiting it feels like it is going to last forever, especially when you are young. At 16, everything feels so far away. You are constantly waiting; waiting for summer, waiting for school to get out, waiting for the boy to like you, waiting your turn, waiting to be the adult they keep telling you that you are turning into. It is so frustrating because it feels like that time of waiting will never be over. And all you can do is just sit there and wait. Right?             Wrong!             Yes, God does call us to wait for him, probably more than we would like. In fact, there are 116 verses in the bible in which God says to wait. And yes, in some of them God does specifically say to be still and wait for Him to do what He is going to do, but that is not always the case. Most of the time, when God is telling us to wait for what He has planned He is giving us time to grow into that blessing and we cannot grow, if we just sit. Yes, wait, but also live your life.             I remember when I was in college, I desperately wanted to be a cabin leader for the high school group at the summer camp I had grown up attending and they kept not asking me! I knew I could do it. I would be amazing at doing the silly songs and playing the games. I knew all of them. Every time I asked the people in charge they would tell me, “Not this summer.” Instead, I worked in the kitchen. Instead, I spent the Summer helping my friend Sarah organize wedding events. Instead, I worked at my school’s library fixing printers. Every spring I asked and every summer I ended up doing something else.             Then, the summer after I graduated from college, the phone call came in. “Katie, do you want to be a cabin leader for senior high camp?” I hadn’t even asked yet. I ended up spending the entire summer at camp that year working with all different ages and can you guess what I learned? Being a cabin leader was not what I expected it to be. IT WAS HARD! Wake up for campers was at 7:00 which meant I had to be up for a staff meeting at 6:00. I had to spend a significant part of my free time planning small group activities. I had to shepherd my campers to activities on time and always know what was happening next. I had to answer hard questions and do bed checks. All with no car or smart phone and the nearest Starbucks forty minutes away. If you’re having trouble easing your way into drinking black coffee… that’s the way I started. The other thing I learned was that I could not have done it one… two… three summers before because the things I learned doing other things those summers were the skills and knowledge I used to be a cabin leader. I had been so frustrated with waiting but if I had just sat and waited for my turn, I would have never been ready. The other day I was frustrated with waiting for it to be my turn again and in the midst of my frustration, I was reading through my bible and came across the Jeremiah 29: 4-14.   This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.”   Yes, this is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: “Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have.   They are prophesying lies to you in my name. I have not sent them,” declares the Lord. This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”   These verses take place in a period of time when God is telling the Israelites that it is time to wait for deliverance. They were going into exile where they would have to wait 70 years before God fulfilled his promise to them and brought them back. This verse hit painfully hard right in my heart. At the time I felt like I was being sent into my own personal exile, but, unlike the Israelites, there was no one to tell me what I had done wrong or how long it would last. The Israelites were going into exile and God was telling them to go and to wait there to be delivered. Maybe God was telling me to go quietly into exile as well and wait. After all, He had already told me to wait for what I had been praying for, even though it felt incredibly unfair to have to keep waiting for something He had no problem giving to everyone else.   Then I read this passage again. God did not tell the Israelites to go into exile and just wait. God told them to go and build houses, plant gardens, get married, make the country they were going into prosper. God told them to live their lives because when the appointed time was up and he gave them what they were waiting for He was going to use those good things. They were going to need those good things. Just like Jacob and his family needed the good things Joseph created while he was exiled from his family. God did not want them to just go and wait until he kept his promise. God wanted them to go live their lives and not worry about how he was going to keep his promise because he was going to keep it. And do you know what happened while the Israelites were waiting? What God used that time to do? The stories of Daniel in the lion’s den, the fiery furnace, and Queen Esther all take place during the Israelites’ exile to Babylon. God took that time of waiting and used it to do incredible, impossible things that shaped Israel’s future. I know that when you are young you are always waiting. At least, it can feel that way. Waiting to graduate. Waiting to be old enough to make your own decisions. Waiting to be asked to prom. Waiting… waiting… waiting. But just because you are waiting does not mean that God cannot use you or teach you things. This is the time God is using to prepare you. What impossible things do you think God will use you to accomplish in that time? So, go, live your life and let God take care of the thing He has told you to wait for.

By Katrina Daroff When I was in high school and first started exploring the idea of dating, well-meaning youth leaders kept giving me the same advice over and over, look for someone who embodies 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. I was told to look for someone who was patient and kind, someone who did not boast or compete with me. Which turned out to be a very difficult task. Actually, it turned out to be an impossible task. No one lived up to the ideal of love I had been led to believe existed until I was in my thirties and started dating him , a man I had known for a long time but never expected to be interested in me.             Dating this particular person was exactly like living in a romantic movie, even the moment he called to ask me on a date by telling me he thought I was smart… and fun… and beautiful. He would call me to make plans and gave me time to consider the things that I wanted, he even held my hand when I was having an anxiety attack and always bought me ice cream at the end of a date. He never tried to prove he was smarter than me. He never made me feel bad for not being the cool girl I had come to expect others to want me to be. It was the first time I had dated anyone that even came close to embodying 1 Corinthians 13. It was perfect… except for one thing, he was not a Christian.             Why does that matter? I am a 35-year-old woman. At this point in my life my dad has started telling me things like, “you should get married soon, you’re looking old,” and the teen girls I mentor tell me they have a boyfriend by saying things like, “I was going to stay single forever, just like you.” This is the age at which we start getting told not to be so picky. A good man who I cared about was offering me romance and respect, so why does it matter that he is not a Christian? After all, he might become a Christian, he was willing to go to church with me when I asked him. Who is to say that he would not eventually heed God’s call, but there was one thought that kept rattling around in my mind for the brief time we dated, a story that does not seem to relate to dating at all; the story of Abraham and Hagar.             Abraham was a man of God. A man of great faith who God chose to use to create nations. A man who God chose to make a covenant with. He was also a man who lost his faith and tried to make God’s will happen his own way… Or was he? When I read through the story of Abraham and Hagar, I cannot help but notice that Abraham is not the one who loses faith in God’s promise, Sarah does. Sarah trusted her husband and his faith, but from what we know about her she did not have that same faith Abraham did, perhaps because she did not experience God’s presence in the same way and, because of that, she did not believe God could use her to bring about his promise. It was not Abraham who went to Sarah and asked her for her handmaid to bear a child for them. That is a moment in the story that I never considered until I was trying to decide whether or not to develop a real relationship with a good man who I genuinely cared about.             As Christians we talk a lot about the concept of being unequally yoked in our faith but the story of Abraham, Hagar, and Sarah illustrates what that actually looks like. To be unequally yoked is to invite doubt. Sarah did not have the same faith as Abraham and she doubted God. That doubt caused Sarah to take matters into her own hands rather than living by faith and caused her to ask Abraham to do something that went against God’s plan and had immeasurable consequences.             Abraham did what Sarah asked, not because he doubted God, but because he loved Sarah.             When we become emotionally entwined with someone who does not share our faith, we are not simply opening ourselves up to the argument of how to raise our children or the heart ache of not being able to pray with our partner when things are hard. We are creating a situation where our partner’s lack of faith becomes a chink in our own. We may never lose our faith in what God is doing in our lives, as Abraham certainly never lost his, but we may make a choice because of what our partner wants that will have consequences.  If I had kept dating that person, it would have probably been good. We would have probably fallen in love and been happy, but there would have also been consequences. Choices I might have made out of love for him instead of devotion to God. I will be the first to admit that it hurts, knowing you've walked away from a relationship that could have been good in the hopes of something you cannot see, but when we trust in God, the hope he gives us is worth waiting for.

By Katrina Daroff Crushes are hard. Molly Ringwald taught me years ago that “if they were easy they’d call them something else.” Of course, Molly Ringwald did get Jake Ryan at the end of that movie so she might not be a great source. I don’t know if Molly Ringwald can be trusted; all I know is that crushes are hard. They are unplanned waves of emotion that crash over you and sweep you off of your feet. It feels nice at first, letting the deep cool water swirl around you, pulling you in the current. Then you look up and find you are miles away from the shore. Sometimes you are not even sure which way the shore is and you are left treading water for days until eventually you wash back up on the beach gasping for air. No crush is ever planned. I did not wake up that first morning thinking, I think I’ll develop some feelings today, it has been awhile since I’ve been totally devastated. Actually I woke up that particular morning to the sound of my smoke detector malfunctioning. After an hour of trying to fix it I settled for just screaming back, but that is another story for another time. Having a boy walk up to my game of cards and capture my interest that night was the farthest thing from my mind. Crushes just happen. One day you go to a friend’s party or you sit down at a table for lunch and there he is. It might take a few days or weeks of talking and hanging out, or it might take a few minutes of good-natured flirting. You may not even notice until you are already out in the waves letting the salt water spray your face. Crushes are also no one’s fault. Someone simply walks into your life one day and, even though it is crazy, you want them to stay there. The true problem with crushes is not how easy they are to fall into but how they make you feel once you are lost in them. That little voice in your head that sounds an awful lot like you, who starts telling you that person would never want you. You are just you after all. Maybe he does make his interest very clear and you are not sure how you want to proceed. You turn to your friends for advice. You sit up late at night texting him and thinking about him. You stalk his Facebook and Instagram wondering who that other girl in the picture is. Tension and anxiety builds in your chest. You will never be happy unless he texts you back. It builds and builds and builds until you think you might burst and then the ringtone you set just for him dings. Even in the most perfect of situations, you find yourself lost and confused trying to decide what you want. “I’m not really sure what I should do. I really like this guy and… well it’s not like guys are rocket science… he likes me too. It’s just kind of scary. You know?” I was sitting on a park bench overlooking Green Lake while my friend, Heather, fed her baby cheerios. The water was still shining in the late September sun. Only a few days remained before my big date with the guy I had been flirting with for two months. “Well, what do you want?” My brain always goes a little haywire at that question. I wanted to know everything about this guy. I wanted to keep feeling the way he made me feel. Above everything else, I wanted to be happy and not slip back into the deep depression it took years to dig myself out of. I ran my hands down my face. “I want to kiss him SO BADLY! But,” my voice calmed, “ I still don’t know him very well and I really enjoy just hanging out with him. I don’t want to ruin something by going too fast. I do really want to kiss him though. Just once.” “Have you prayed about it?” Making decisions as a Christian seems strange at times. It is not just about my desires and plans but God’s as well. I’m supposed to ask for wisdom and clarification when I am anxious and unsure. Something I have never been good at. I am supposed to ask for help when I do not know what the next step is. Another thing I do not do well. Part of my brain understands the importance of prayer. Years of teaching Sunday School and working at Church Camps has taught me at least how to  say  that God cares about the little stresses in your life just as much as the big ones. That is what I always tell the kids. It is OKAY to pray about everything, even if it feels stupid to take something so trivial to the creator of the universe. If something is big to you then it is big to God as well. I bit my lower lip. “I… I don’t know how to pray about a crush.” I had never done it before. Hours later I sat on my bed, in my pajamas, getting ready for my nightly prayers. Unlike most nights, I was not sure how to begin. Dear Lord, please make my hopeless crush fall in love with me, ‘kay thanks, did not seem appropriate. It is not like God is a d’jinni in the habit of granting wishes. Beside, I’m pretty sure d’jinni cannot make anyone fall in love either; it’s a rule. I curled my arms around my legs, chin resting on my knees. I was taught that the Holy Spirit interprets the cries of our hearts when we cannot. Was my heart crying out for something? How could I tell? “Hey God.” That seemed as good a place as any to start. “Can we talk? That’s a dumb question, of course we can talk. Okay, I’ll start. Um…” I pushed my fingers through my hair seeking out exactly what to say. “So there’s this guy and he’s so great! He’s funny and we get along really well and… well I’m sure you’ve met. He’s the blonde one with the smile. I like him so much.” I took a deep breath to refocus. “God, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.” Silence. Well, God directly telling me what to do was a bit of a long shot. I had always been told that when you feel unsure you should pray for wisdom. God grants wisdom to those who ask for it, just like Solomon. Right? Well I was unsure; it stood to reason that I should ask for wisdom. “God. I want to do the right thing in this situation. I know relationships are serious, that they change you and I know what sort of temptations I am dealing with.” A whole subset of things I do not know how to pray about. “If it is not too much trouble, please give me the wisdom to do the best thing.” That did not feel like quite enough. There was something else, something else I needed to pray for. A memory popped into my head from that summer working at camp. After the last campfire of the week one of the graduates, a boy I had known since he was three, walked up to me wrapped in a fleece blanket. It was his last night as a camper. “Katie,” he told me, “thank you so much for the example you have been in my life. I’m so glad I’ve had you as my leader all of these years.” Example? Me? I never felt like an example in my campers lives. Most days I wasn’t even sure why I was allowed to come back to camp year after year. I had thought about that moment almost every day since I came back from camp. I knew that I did want to be an example in their lives. I wanted to be the person they believed I was. “God, please help me to make the right choices that will help me to be the example my campers need.” I did not feel so good about that one. As much as I wanted to be the best version of myself I did not know who that was in this particular situation. Who was the best example? Was it the girl who was willing to take a risk for the chance at falling in love? Or was it the girl who let the chance for love slip away because she wanted to prioritize that guy’s friendship first? No matter which answer I picked I did not feel good or happy, just scared. I knew that I liked this guy. That he made me want to take those risks. What was too scary with every other guy I had ever liked was all I wanted with him. I could not stop myself from talking to him even when I sounded like an idiot. A deep sigh pulled from my chest. The familiar weight of anxiety leaving my body until I took a breath in. “I really like this guy. I don’t know what else to say. I want to make the right decision but I like this guy. I want the chance to fall in love with him.” I do not know how to pray about a crush. My body slumped back onto the bed. Pink and white vines stitched into the comforter seemed to twine around my arms and legs, pulling me down. I had said all of the right things. Asked for all of the right things. I still felt heavy with tangled up thoughts. No wiser. No better of an example than I was ten minutes before. There are a great many things that I know in my head. I know that if you ask God for something and believe you have already received it that you have received it. I believe God puts desires in our heart for a reason. I believe that marriage and sex and attraction can be a part of God’s plans for our lives. Crushes can be the first step in that, can’t they? “Hmmmm.” I huffed in frustration. “And while we’re talking, if it’s not too much trouble, could you please just let this guy fall in love with me? ‘Kay, thanks. Bye.” I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PRAY ABOUT A CRUSH! It seems silly and more than a little bold to turn to God and say, “hey, this guy. Should I date him or not?” Instead of asking God what I should do with my heart, when the waves start to crash making me feel sparkly and hopeful, I turn to God with a lot of pretty words used by churchy people. Give me peace. Give me patience. Give me wisdom. Is that even real faith? Or am I just parroting what I have been told for years? We love because God first loved us. That includes romantic love and physical love, though all of my youth leaders would have me believe it only meant a caring neighborly love. Why do we treat dating as Christians in such a way that instead of being willing to come to God with an earnest desire to know if this is a person to put your trust in and build a life with, I hear dozens of young women say things like, “I’m going to just date Jesus for a while.” Oh really? I didn’t realize the Almighty was on the market! I think you will find the romance one-sided. Why do I feel like I can’t focus on both my faith and learning to love someone at the same time? Why do we teach taking everything before God so poorly that as an adult I would rather turn to a Magic 8 Ball for guy advice than to my faith and the God who created my heart? I pray about crushes, asking for things I do not want because they sound like what I am supposed to pray for, when all I really want is for him to text me back. When what I want is to know if this  person will break my heart or care about me. I pray for patience when I want to scream at God asking why this person entered my life at the exact right moment for me to look up and see him. Then I sit there and wait for the answers that I did not ask for. Does the Holy Spirit interpret those cries of my heart as well? Mostly, I do not know how to pray about a crush because I do not know how to ask God for the one thing I do not believe God can give me, someone else’s heart. My heart is mine to give and yours is yours. I can ask God for wisdom in who I give it to but even that, it seems, I am asking for too late.